To Thine Own Self Be True

In the kingdom of non-human animals it is called “aggressive mimicry” when there is an intentional attempt by one being to lure another by appearing to be something it is not. The Anglerfish is often called to mind when considering this deadly trickery, and while it is creepy and dreadful to watch an unsuspecting fish pounce upon what it perceives as a snack jackpot when it in fact will soon become the main dish, it is hard to fault the Anglerfish for using the survival tools Nature provided. If The Lion King taught us nothing else, it is that the circle of life is broken by none.

After contemplating the theme I wished to choose for myself for 2022, considering several that would encourage my growth and hold a mirror up to parts of myself of which I’m not always proud, I chose the phrase “Selectively Transparent, Entirely Authentic” to help guide me to better choices and intentional living for this year and beyond. While I was reflecting on the aspects of my life where I need to turn a more consistently honest eye (because really, why would we not at the very least be truthful with ourselves?) I realized that my favorite people are the ones who are entirely themselves, with no hidden agenda or need to disguise their nature; my least favorite people with whom to share company are the ones who demonstrate (aggressive) mimicry or a pernicious selective transparency. I know to which of these groups I want to belong.

When I spend time with authentic people, it feels like I’m wearing the emotional equivalent of elastic-waist pants and a favorite sweatshirt with unidentified food stains adorning the front; because these people are so comfortable in the truth of their identities it invites everyone in their orbit to do the same, sans judgement. I come away from encounters with these friends feeling hopeful, energized, and seen. Of course it would be ideal if we never had to interact with those human Anglerfish we all know (and have even been guilty of being as well), but work, school, and (unfortunately sometimes) home will always force contact, if only briefly and superficially. Being in the presence of a Janus-faced individual of whose intentions we are never 100% certain is soul draining. I leave these encounters feeling as though I’ve been squeezed into emotional full-body Spanx and four-inch heels for hours; I crave relief and comfort.

We can never fully know what has caused people’s insincerity or why they continue to live in ways that hide who they are even from those who love them and want desperately to crack the veneer that separates them from real connection. I prefer to think that people who practice selective transparency—revealing only the parts of themselves that feel safe and cause others to falsely believe they’re actually getting the full story—out of self-protection. Perhaps something has happened in these people’s lives that was so traumatic that it taught them always to hold part of themselves back for fear of evaluation or rejection. The alternative is to believe that there are people who intentionally select the details of their interior lives to create a false sense of intimacy, to gain an advantage, or to deceive. When we realize we’ve been duped by this kind of person it rattles us to our core and causes us to doubt our ability to select trustworthy companions.

To bring this full circle, when I chose the theme of selective transparency and complete authenticity for myself moving forward into 2022, I knew that hiding the parts of myself that might be unpalatable or unrefined to some would also result in my having shallow connections with those who matter most to me, because inevitably the habit of cherry-picking which details of myself I choose to share will leak into relationships in which I want to be fully known. The solution, for me, is to vigilantly guard my heart, words, and actions in the company of those with whom these cannot be trusted—to practice my own intentional, selective transparency—but to do so in a way that does not deny or obscure what I hold dear and who I am. Brene Brown has often said that not everyone deserves to know our story or our truth; the goal, for me, always is to be mindful of those who do not have my best interests at heart and to lay bear my whole, imperfect self to the very, very few who will see both the lovely and the ugly and love me all the same.