The Best Inheritance

“The thing about kids,” you hear parents huddled in a commiserating circle say, “is they don’t come with a user’s manual.” This comment is met with chuckles and a what-are-ya-gonna-do? head shake and shoulder shrug, usually after the offspring of one has made a decision deemed unwise by their elders. As just such an offspring to parents who devoted their lives to keeping me on track, I can say from experience that even if I had emerged from the womb with a lengthy set of instructions clutched in my tiny fist, it still would not have kept me from getting myself in pickles left and right as soon as I was mobile. Some of the consequences I experienced were enough to discourage repeated offenses (it took only one time of sticking my head through the wrought iron porch railing and having my ears greased up with Crisco to aid my extraction to figure out the juice wasn’t worth the squeeze!); other lessons needed to be taught multiple times to penetrate my thick skull. Even the best parenting doesn’t inoculate kids from missteps, but what I believe never works is parents using “there’s no user’s manual for raising kids” as their justification for inconsistent and unreliable guidance.

By no means am I a social scientist or a biological parent; my opinions are based exclusively on observation and nearly thirty years devoted to working with thousands of other people’s children. Having spent the past twenty-eight years in the company of young people, I’ve seen a great deal of change in patterns and behaviors. Some of the changes have been heartening; others have inspired despair. There’s no denying that each generation is vastly different from its predecessor and thank goodness for that. I cannot imagine my Generation X mindset thriving in a 21^st century society; evolution is necessary. In other ways, however, the changes I see in young people make my heart heavy. You can find recent articles written by researchers who claim that parenting just doesn’t make that much difference in how or where kids end up in life, and others that share evidence to the complete contrary. Having worked with over 3,000 young people spanning about three decades, I’m of the opinion that it is enormously influential in who children become.

Parenting is not for the faint of heart. It is not for those who actively avoid looking into the depths of their being and ruthlessly and regularly interrogating who they find there. Anyone who wishes to ignore Plato’s appeal to “know thyself” should remain childless (or partner-less or pet-less for that matter), because if we’re unwilling to examine our words, thoughts, beliefs, actions, priorities, and motivation and the effect they have on anyone we bring into our lives, we risk doing great harm. I believe that most parents truly want to make the right choices for their children and they want them to find purpose, achieve independence, and live joyful and healthy lives. I also believe that they are multi-faceted humans who are managing other parts of their lives that are often uncertain and exhausting. When it comes to parenting, they don’t want to risk conflict or rejection because life is already filled with enough opportunities for that. They interact with supervisors, co-workers, spouses, former spouses, other family members, and friends who can expect much, be disappointed, or reject them. It makes sense that they want to figuratively bubble wrap relationships with sons and daughters and keep them as free from adversity as possible. When others find fault with us, knowing that our children need and want us feels like a reassuring escape.

What makes me think that parents reside in the superhero or saint realm is that the best ones know the immense responsibility they shoulder to nurture humans who thrive and who not only have meaningful lives but who add meaning to others’ lives. In the absence of an instruction book for raising children who become self-sufficient, self-actualized humans, there are some practices that my experience, observation, and research would indicate are a pretty good place to start. They can be modified to respect the wonderful differences in each child, and they can serve as building blocks for the adults they become. I’ve collected these from my own parents (to whom I give all the credit for any good I’ve done and none of the responsibility for the bad!) and those who’ve knocked it out of the park with their own kids.

Nurture:

1. Self-respect and respect for others—We all know the parents who let their kids run wild in restaurants, stores, and homes of friends and family. Teaching our children to be respectful of others and their possessions or boundaries also helps them to learn not to tolerate those who are careless with theirs;
2. Service—Prioritize acts that remove children from a position of receiving to a position of giving so that they learn how much they have to offer and how much good they can do, even as young people;
3. Purpose—Reinforce the belief that our lives are meant for something beyond sleeping late and playing video games. Those can be part of a healthy self-care practice, but not the singular goal for each day. Encourage curiosity and the pursuit of interests;
4. Responsibility—Confidence is built when we rise to challenges. Children who are given age-appropriate responsibilities and successfully accomplish them grow bolder and more empowered for new endeavors. We do kids no favors by expecting nothing from them and doing everything for them;
5. Independence—It’s been said that parenting is a job that, if done correctly, results in your child no longer needing you. I would amend that to say that your child needs you in a different way. When a child is able to care for and support themselves and no longer relies on you for financial security or to make decisions for them, it opens the door to having a more balanced, healthy relationship. This must surely be one of the great rewards of parenting, to know that your child comes to you not because they need you to give them something, but because they appreciate the value you add to their life as someone they admire and trust.

Life sure would be a lot simpler if kids did come with clear instructions that, if followed like a recipe, would ensure consistent results. Those who know the uniqueness of each child, the impossibility of applying identical child-rearing techniques to each one with any effectiveness, and who proceed to bring children into the world or into their lives anyway with the absolute commitment to giving them what they need to become the humans they deserve to be—those individuals have my respect and gratitude for the world they are helping to create.