It might be considered professional blasphemy to say that I had no use for Shakespeare when I was young. As an aging adult, though, there are a few lines from his plays that seem to have found a permanent place in my thoughts. “There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy,” comes to mind almost daily when I marvel at being half a century old with still so much to learn. Also from Hamlet, “This above all else: to thine own self be true,” Polonius’s advice guides many of my choices. As I’m fast approaching the month I turn 51, I’ve been thinking a lot about one of my goals for this past year: to examine and perhaps modify the beliefs and rules I claim. To quote another master of philosophy, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while you could miss it.” Ferris Bueller spoke truth with those words; we can get so busy with chasing goals, meeting obligations, and updating social media statuses that we don’t allow ourselves time to really consider our unwritten rule book for life. Sure, aging certainly does come with some drawbacks such as realizing there are probably more sunsets behind you than ahead of you, but the silver lining is that it can sharpen your focus on what truly matters and erode your tendency to mince words. As a Southerner who has always been decidedly cautious about speaking plainly when it risks alienating or offending, I still need some practice in my new role as “old woman who speaks her mind.” But I thought I’d begin by sharing some of my beliefs and rules for a good life, one for each year I’ve lived, and a bonus one for good measure:
- Aligning your values, thoughts, and actions is key in achieving the most fulfilling life.
- Learn that having a few true friends who are willing to tell you difficult things with love is far better than having thousands of “friends” who need to be prompted by social media to remember your significant days.
- Return your shopping cart, clean up your trash at the movie theater, and don’t litter. Strictly speaking, it might not be your job to do some things but it is your responsibility not to expect others to clean up your messes.
- If you don’t plan to tip, don’t participate in activities where you’ll be served by someone whose primary income is dependent on the tips they earn. That said, don’t expect to be rewarded if you don’t make an effort to deserve it.
- Learn to be okay with only your own company. Or if you are already okay with your own company, don’t allow anyone to make you feel that you need to be partnered in some way to be complete.
- Realize that your life should be about more than just yourself and engage in activities that serve someone beyond yourself. Parents should expose children to what service looks like at a young age so that it becomes a natural part of their lives.
- A limited vocabulary that consists largely of profanity makes you appear childish and unintelligent. That said, using “big” words in an effort to sound “smart” or make someone else feel “dumb” makes you appear insecure. Or worse.
- No one wants to associate with someone who is lazy and/or selfish, in either professional or personal settings. It’s nice to have people we can call on to help when we need it, but always having to carry another person’s weight gets old. Quick.
- Being chronically late is rude and inexcusable, not quirky or charming. Don’t expect people to be okay with having their time wasted, and don’t accept anyone wasting yours.
- Don’t demand from others what you are not willing to give, and don’t refuse to accept behaviors from others if you are guilty of the same. Double standards aren’t a good look on anyone.
- Teaching children responsibility and independence from their parents is an act of love. Learning to do things for themselves grows confidence and courage.
- Children should have age-appropriate tasks that contribute to their households and/or communities.
- Observe your place in people’s lives; if they show you that you’re not a priority, believe what you see.
- Say thank you.
- RSVP. If someone extends an invitation to you, accept or decline. But whatever you do, don’t just show up and expect for the host not to think you’re rude for doing so. This goes for official events like weddings as well unofficial gatherings such as family dinners. Courtesy and respect should be the standard.
- Pay attention to the people who make time for you versus the ones who do not. If you find yourself regularly chasing after someone for their time, redirect your attention to those who treat your efforts like a gift, and reciprocate.
- Everyone should actively identify their purpose in life. There can be multiple purposes, but none of them involve sleeping 20 hours a day and playing video games for the other four.
- In cases of healthy children who are capable of self-sufficiency, there should be a launch plan in place. Love and respect can and should always exist between parents and children, but it does neither any favors when parents continue to finance their adult child’s life. It breeds resentment from parents who deserve to prioritize themselves finally and from adult children who realize they are incapable of creating budgets, taking care of themselves, and achieving financial goals.
- Don’t teach little girls how to look “thin” or “pretty” in pictures; the-hand-on-hip-standing-at-an-angle-pouty-face pose is just one example. And be aware of the influences you provide and allow in their lives that implicitly encourage these qualities as goals they should strive for.
- Don’t teach little boys or girls that “boys will be boys” or “boys have needs” are acceptable explanations for unacceptable behaviors.
- If a little girl wants to play with Matchbox cars, let her. If a little boy wants to nurture a baby doll, let him.
- Avoid sarcasm. It does nothing to advance understanding or healthy communication.
- Do good. Or don’t. But don’t do good/helpful things for the praise you might receive, and don’t do good/helpful things but feel angry or resentful about them.
- Anyone who is cruel to animals is a horrible person. Also, do not bring an animal into your life—a dog, for example—if you plan to keep it caged or isolated for most of its life, refuse to give it the care and exercise it needs, or allow it to be placed in unsafe situations.
- Do not have children if you do not plan to provide the care, nurturing, and guidance they need while they grow toward fulfilling, healthy lives of their own.
- Do not have children if you have not worked through any issues of your own that will certainly affect your children.
- Realize that “healthy” and “normal” are not interchangeable terms.
- Realize that it is not the goal of every adult to be married or partnered. Asking, “When are you getting married?” or “Why aren’t you married?” is not your business. Likewise, someone who is childless doesn’t need to be asked, “So when are you having kids?” or “Why don’t you have kids?” You might not like the answer you receive.
- Appreciate that there are people who are introverted and those who are extroverted. One is not superior to the other, and one does not need to change in order to be more like the other.
- Don’t be quick to criticize people younger than you or older than you strictly on the basis of their age.
- Avoid trying to insult someone by referencing their size, race, gender, age, socioeconomic status, etc. These are not flaws. A person’s character, actions, and words reveal far more about who they are than their appearances, who they love, or what they possess.
- Pay attention to what you choose to keep hidden and what you choose to reveal. There can be good reasons for both, but reflecting on your “why” never hurts.
- Don’t make sweeping generalizations. There are law enforcement officials who are criminal. There are clergy who abuse. There is a critical need for systemic change in too many organizations to name. But instead of cursing entire groups, focus your energy on what you can do to make even a small positive difference.
- Do not assume that everyone wants your dog running at them, regardless of if they’re friendly or not. Do not assume that every dog wants to be your friend. Like us, some dogs aren’t interested in having their personal space invaded by strangers.
- Do not assume that everyone will enjoy the presence of an ill-mannered or disrespectful child. Age-appropriate rambunctiousness aside, don’t allow children to visit homes, restaurants, entertainment venues, etc. and be destructive or disruptive. And if they are, take responsibility for apologizing and/or cleaning up after your child.
- In conflict, say only the things you won’t regret in a few hours, weeks, or years. You are entitled to your opinions. Some of them are objectively accurate while others are true only between your ears. Recognize the difference.
- If you choose to be in a relationship, select someone around whom you can be your most authentic self, someone who encourages you to be your best, someone who assumes the best of you, and someone who feels fortunate to have you in their life, and shows you this regularly. Own your qualities that create issues in that relationship and do what you need to resolve them.
- Practice optimism and gratitude. Not everything works out the way we want it to, but there is something to learn and be grateful for in everything.
- No job is “beneath” you. If you’re fresh out of college and unable to land your “dream” job right away, take the job that allows you to pay bills, gain independence, and stop expecting other people to finance your life while you’re working toward that “dream” job.
- Hard work > natural talent. Nearly thirty years of working with students and over thirty years of being employed have shown me that I prefer someone who shows up and works hard over someone who has talent but no motivation to use it.
- It is easier to maintain good habits than to recover them. This applies to health, relationships, or financial goals. Consistency is key.
- You can’t go wrong being humble and kind. Some people might take advantage of this and some might be encouraged by it. Either way you’ll see who you want to keep close and who you keep at arm’s length.
- Engaging in gossip reveals more about the person sharing it than the subject of the gossip. No matter how many times “bless their heart” is used as a lead in.
- Look people in the eyes and treat them with dignity, regardless of if they are children, elderly, cardiothoracic surgeons or sanitation workers. You can tell a lot by how someone treats a person.
- Stop posing for photographs with the carcass of the animal you killed. Hunting or harvesting meat can be done ethically and respectfully. Taking a life is sometimes necessary, but boasting about it is not.
- Learn that creating and maintaining boundaries are a part of self-respect and self-love. Clearly identifying what we can and cannot accept allows others the opportunity to choose whether they can or cannot be a part of our lives.
- If you choose to be in a life partnership with someone, it’s the most important relationship you should have. In the natural order of things, our parents pass before us and our children grow up to live their own, separate lives; our partners, however, are the ones who champion, support, and love us through it all. Make sure to hold that relationship close and protect it from neglect.
- Instead of seeking life hacks to simplify difficult things, focus your energy on developing the discipline to sustain you when life is challenging.
- Whatever you’ve deemed important to you—family, friends, work, fitness, education—know that it deserves consistent (not perfect) effort from you. If it’s not something you’re willing to devote time and energy to, you cannot claim it’s important to you.
- Spend time in nature every day. It might be hiking in a national park or sitting on a small patch of grass outside your apartment, but it helps to ground you in something larger than yourself.
- Time in this life is not a renewable resource. Engage only in thoughts and activities that honor the gift of waking up each day.
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