Truth Tellers and Confidence Keepers

There’s a saying that goes something like, “Everyone thinks their dog is the best and none of them are wrong,” and I love that it recognizes the innate perfection of dogs as well as the utter devotion their people have to them. Following that train of thought, I’d also say that every woman thinks her female friends are the best ones, and none of them are wrong, either.

I had a rocky start in the best friend department. My fifth-grade frenemy decided that after I tried out for and was elected school mascot in the sixth grade (and if you don’t believe that the honor of wearing hornet antennae and purple knee socks catapulted me to pinnacle of popularity…well, you’d be accurate), she no longer wanted to be my friend. She launched a shockingly mean-spirited campaign that included pre-adolescent gaslighting, galvanizing other girls to do the same if they wished to continue enjoying her company, and perhaps the absolute worst was when she used the convenience of her seat behind me in science class to grab hold of the back of my arm and clamp down in a pinch that rivaled that of a coconut crab. I sat and cried in silence, hoping no one would notice what she was doing. As a teacher, I cannot imagine how I would respond if I observed that kind of behavior occurring in my classroom. For some reason, though, I was certain that this level of mean could only indicate that I’d done something to deserve it; for that reason, I kept my shamed silence and hoped no one saw the tears.

Perhaps it was that early experience with friendship that inspired my skepticism when I met a kind and supportive young woman in high school whose companionship and influence have improved the quality of my life in the three decades since. When I think of this friend and the others life has gifted me in adulthood, I know that I’ve been blessed. In many ways these women are starkly different from one another and from me; at their core, however, they are the same. On some issues we hold very different positions, but within the safety that deep understanding of one another’s hearts creates, there’s nothing we can’t discuss.

Many can relate to the tendency of life to create distance, physical and emotional, between friends as we place our focus on careers and family. It’s not as easy to spend entire weekends in each other’s company doing nothing more than talking—carrying the conversation from one room to the next as we eat, watch movies, drive, prepare to sleep—and we’re reduced to quick phone calls while waiting in the car line or texts every few months to check in. Still, on those glorious rare occasions we’re reunited it’s as though no time at all has passed as we pick up the dialogue from months or years earlier.

Sitcoms would have us believing that friendships among women consist of congregating for partner-bashing, ice cream-eating “girl talk.” I’ve got nothing against tucking into a pint of Ben and Jerry’s, but quality time with my friends consists of us showing up and supporting one another. Sure, we might do that while hiking or grabbing coffee, but during these shared experiences the women I love don’t shy from asking the hard questions, accepting the unvarnished truth of my existence, and encouraging me to be the version of myself that will make me proudest. They pull no punches, but I’ve never left an encounter with them feeling anything other than seen, loved, and valued.

I’ve known women who proclaim, “I don’t have female friends;” their reason for this being that women are gossipy, catty, or competitive. It always makes me sad to hear this. Sure, women can possess these qualities, anyone can. I want to say to them, “Find new people!” because it would be a shame to go an entire lifetime without having experienced just how precious it is to move though one’s days knowing she has a built-in support system that accepts her exactly how she is and cheers her on at every stage of growth, knowing that there’s room for all of us at the table and that when one of us succeeds, all of us succeed. I’ve heard that we should never feel the need to “earn” someone’s love; rather, we should rest in their love. I imagine I’m not alone when I say that I don’t know what I’d have done or who I’d have become if I hadn’t had that love of women friends who’ve inspired me in ways too numerous to count.